What Remains beyond All Losses

When I went for the second dose of the Pfizer vaccine last week, the nurse who administered it asked me a few questions about why I was getting it. I told her it was because I visited my brother in a long-term care institution. She responded, “It’s good of you to do that.” Her statement surprised me. I know she was trying to be supportive, but I somehow felt, without knowing why or how, that what she said, “missed the mark.” I have been thinking about this for the last few days and I now think I know what felt slightly amiss in her words.

Over the years, I saw François lose chunk after chunk of what he could remember, what he could do and how he could relate to others. He is now no longer able to speak or to walk and I doubt he ever recognises anyone. Seeing that happen to him was heart-wrenching. At the same time, as I slowly worked through the unavoidable grieving process in such a situation, I gradually became aware that something positive was emerging. I miss the “old” François, the one I could have conversations with, take bike rides with, enjoy meals with… I do miss him. But I have discovered a “new” François. “New” only because I can now see something that I could not see before: I discovered that François is a complete person, not a defective person nor a reduced one, just as he is now.

I love that “new” François just as much as I loved the “old” one. He has opened my eyes to see, not only him but others as well, more deeply. I now know that there is something in a person that endures beyond all losses; something that is the essence of who they are. That awareness is what this "new" François has gifted to me. It is a wonderful gift.

Instead of, "It is good of you", the nurse should have said, “It’s good for you" to visit your brother.